


Soft Focus

by chansleftchiddie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Photographs, Poor Jeongin, Reminiscing, Song fic, Unrequited Love, can you believe that this was supposed to be a friends to lovers fic???, i may have busted an uwu or two when writing this, kind of, memories through photos, neither can I, polaroids, sorry felix i love you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 07:59:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16698514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chansleftchiddie/pseuds/chansleftchiddie
Summary: At 5:22pm on a Saturday evening, Jeongin reached under his bed and pulled a cardboard box out of the darkness. A layer of dust covered the top but the words written in permanent marker were still clearly visible, “Lee Felix + Yang Jeongin (Open in 23 Years)”.Or alternatively,~ouch~





	Soft Focus

**Author's Note:**

> hello i love my betas yas and indi theyre so good

Yang Jeongin had been living with Bang Chan for about a year and the two of them have never done a full “ _deep clean”_ of everything in their apartment. They finally decided that it was time and the first weekend in September was when the cleaning frenzy began.

 

At 5:22pm on a Saturday evening, Jeongin reached under his bed and pulled a cardboard box out of the darkness. A layer of dust covered the top but the words written in permanent marker were still clearly visible, “ _Lee Felix + Yang Jeongin (Open in 23 Years)_ ”.

Jeongin ran his fingers over the lightly perforated edges of the old shoebox, the red colour had faded and the feeling of dread settled heavily in his stomach like a two-ton boulder. He had two options for what he could do with the contents of the old box. He could either throw it out and not spare its insides a second glance or he could lift the lid and look back on a life that time left behind.

 

He didn’t know how long he sat there, legs crossed with a dusty box of memories on his lap. He was so involved in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice Chan in the room until he placed a hand on the younger boy’s shoulder.

 

‘Jeongin? Are you okay? I’ve been trying to get your attention for the last minute.’ Chan was squatting in front of him with a concerned look on his face. His eyes moved down to the box and a realisation sets in. ‘Oh.’

He moved so that he was sitting next to the other and rested his left hand on top of Jeongin’s right.

‘I miss him.’

‘I know you do.’

 

Chan saw the way Jeongin’s knuckles had whitened from how tightly he was gripping the box.

He brushed the pads of his fingers against the cardboard. ‘May I?’

 

Jeongin nodded and loosened his grip on the shoebox, allowing the elder to take it from him and lift the lid slowly.

He saw photo upon photo of a young boy smiling brightly and almost wished he never entered the room. Judging by how tense his flatmate was just by seeing the outside of the box, he couldn’t imagine that it was going to get any better the further into the collection of Polaroids they got.

He lifted a square photo from the pile and read the bottom caption, “ _Ice Cream Cake - Red Velvet_ ”.

‘Everytime I took a photo I would put a song that reminded me of that moment or of that day at the bottom. Future references for us when we were supposed to look back on these in another 19 years.’ Jeongin said quietly from the left and Chan nodded in acknowledgement.

 

The photograph showed a boy sitting at a small table outside of a cafe with a strawberry ice cream in his hand. His blond hair was mussed from the breeze and his hand half covered his face in a weak attempt to hide from the camera.

 

-

 

_‘Jeongin, stop!’ Felix laughed as the younger proceeded to snap several photos of him, his eyes in small crescents and voice an octave higher than usual. ‘Just let me eat my ice cream in peace!’_

_‘But you look so nice! How can I let this opportunity go to waste?’ Jeongin grinned from ear to ear from his seat across the table but choked back a shout when he received a swift kick to his shin from the other. Jeongin capturing a final photo as Felix tries to shield himself away from the view of the camera._

 

-

 

A small smile graced Jeongin’s face for a split second but disappeared as fast as it had arrived. It was a good day but a bittersweet feeling still flooded his heart the longer he looked at the image. He reached over and gently plucked the picture out of Chan’s hands and let it rest on the floor in front of him. He prompted Chan to take another photo from the box with a small ‘Go on, it’s okay.’

Chan reached in and pulled the second photo out. It was a picture of the same boy, Felix, with his face turned away from the camera meters to his right. He was standing comfortably on a home painted and lightly battered longboard with the sun behind him.

“ _Bleach - Brockhampton_ ”, was written in small, scratchy handwriting on the white frame. Chan’s making a list in his head of songs to listen to.

 

-

 

_His stance was wide on the scraped up deck under his feet and his arms hung comfortably by his sides. Jeongin always thought Felix was beautiful but when he was skating it was like he was looking at a renaissance painting. The sun reflecting off of his hair, creating a halo around him and bringing a gentle glow to his skin._

_A laugh brought Jeongin out of his thoughts._

_‘What are you staring at?’_

_‘I’m not staring I’m just simply admiring the view and you happen to be in the way.’_

_‘Oh no, I must be so inconvenient.’ Felix dramatically sighs as he rolled past._

_‘Highly.’_

_Jeongin saw the corners of the elder's mouth turn up slightly._

 

-

 

Jeongin watched as Chan placed the photo on top of the other on the floor and reached into the box again.

‘How many of these did you take?’ Chan asked as he filtered his way through the box lightly. The sight of so many memories was almost overwhelming.

‘A lot. Too many. I don’t know.’ Jeongin pulled at a loose thread on the sleeve of his sweater.

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know.’

The next photograph showed Felix leaning close to a bathroom mirror with one hand braced on the side of it. A large makeup bag sat on the bench next to him. The frame read _“Pallete - IU”_.

 

-

 

_Jeongin watched as Felix patted the foundation into the skin under his eyes and across his cheeks with practised ease. The younger of the two felt his stomach tighten a little bit as each of Felix’s freckles was covered by the makeup._

_‘Why do you hide them, hyung?’  He asked as Felix picked up a small tube of concealer._

_‘Because I don’t like them.’ He said as he swiped two large triangles onto the skin of his under eyes._

_Jeongin pretended he didn’t see the frown form on the others face and looked away._

 

-

 

The third Polaroid joined the growing pile on the floor and Jeongin could feel the strain on his heart getting bigger and bigger each time he looked over at a photo, even for a second. He missed him a lot. Chan moved through the pictures before pulling another one out. Felix was squatting on the floor with a microphone in one hand and the other pinching the bridge of his nose. He was laughing.

‘Human. By Dodie Clark.’ Jeongin said quietly. He was looking anywhere but at Chan or the photo.

 

-

 

_The pair stood across from each other as they belted out lyrics to old classics into the low-quality microphones._

_The screen in front of them displayed their score but went unnoticed as both boys danced in circles around the table in the middle of the room._

_Jeongin belted out a high note and Felix laughed as the youngers voice cracked painfully. He squatted down and Jeongin was quick to snap a photo. His own eyes welling up with tears as laughter erupted from the two of them._

 

-

 

‘It seemed like you two had a great time together.’ Chan mumbled and shook Jeongin out of his daze.

‘Yeah. Yeah, I guess you could say something like that.’

The next shot displayed Felix with a striped apron tied around his waist in front of a stove. He had a gentle smile on his face, as he did in most photos. It was a strangely intimate sight for Chan, a stranger to this boy, to see. He looked over to his right to peek at Jeongin, wondering if he should choose a different photo.

‘I like this one. It was a good day.’ The younger whispered. ‘Crush,’ His face flushed lightly. ‘By Tessa Violet. A whole bop.’ Jeongin tried to hide his sadness by making a gentle joke.

 

-

 

_Felix stirred the contents of the pot slowly, blowing his hair out of his eyes. Jeongin appeared with his camera in his hand, grinning brightly and stepped over to the older boy. Felix noticed the presence to his left and looked up briefly and made eye contact with Jeongin, he noticed the device pointed at him and laughed._

_‘Wow, whipped.’_

_‘I am not “whipped” I’m just admiring the art.’ The brunet stated with a trace of faux haughtiness in his voice._

_Felix crumpled against the marble bench top and wheezed. His elbows the only thing holding him up._

_‘Fucking hell.’ He let out a loud laugh before straightening up and continuing to stir. A soft sigh escaped him as the shutter sound of a camera was heard in the kitchen._

 

-

 

‘How domestic.’ Chan chuckled and smiled when a similar sound escaped his roommate. Another photo and the pile on the floor steadily grew. Felix hung upside down from an old set of blue monkey bars. His hair was comically messy and going in all directions but what really captured Chan’s eye was the warm grin that reached his eyes.

‘He had a smile so warm it had its own heat signature.’ Jeongin said in a small voice.

The frame read “ _I Was An Island - Allison Weiss_ ” in the same handwriting as all of the others.

 

-

 

_‘Hey,’ Felix looked down from his perch above. ‘I saw a thing online that if you couldn't do the monkey bars as a kid you're probably gay now.’_

_Jeongin smiled up at him. ‘That’s probably not true but it does explain a lot actually.’_

_Felix snorted and let his body fall backwards over the bars, wrapping his feet around one of them in the process. Jeongin let out a small yell of surprise and Felix’s face appeared in front of him suddenly. He reached out and poked the boy on the nose and giggled when the other teen scrunched up the skin for a moment._

 

-

 

Chan put the photo down and moved onto the next one. _“New York Soul Pt.II - Jon Bellion”_ in small print in marker at the bottom.

Felix was sprawled across a set of bed sheets in a faded Iron Man shirt with an ocean of textbooks surrounding him. His face was relaxed and his hair mussed.

‘He fell asleep. It was one in the afternoon.’ Jeongin supplied from Chan’s right.

‘Nice. He knows what's up.’

Jeongin hummed an affirmative.

 

-

 

_Felix let out a loud groan and flopped back on the bed. His shoulders were wet from the water dripping from his hair after spending time outside in the rain, the fabric of the shirt he stole from the younger’s closet darkening with the moisture._

_‘I don’t want to study anymore if I have to look at one more big math word I’m going to lose it.’ he said, enunciating his words with sharp and frequent claps._

_‘We’ve hardly started. You’ve been here for twenty minutes.’ Jeongin said from where he was leant against the wall. Felix just burrowed his way further into the bed silently and Jeongin continued with his chemistry work. After a few minutes, he looked over and saw the slow, rhythmic rise and fall of Felix’s chest and realised that he had fallen asleep._

 

-

 

‘What was he studying?’ Chan asked gently as he added to the stack next to him.

‘Advanced mathematics. There was a test the next day.’

‘How did he do?’ The elder turned his head to face the other.

Jeongin laughed. ‘He got marks taken off for doodling on the pages instead of answering the questions.’

Chan chuckled and the two fell into a comfortable silence. ‘Take another one. I’m starting to enjoy this.’ Jeongin prompted and bumped his shoulder into Chan’s.

Chan reached into the shoebox again and extracted another Polaroid. Both boys were in the selfie photo and he didn’t think that he had ever seen Jeongin smile so wide. Felix had his hands on one side of Jeongin’s face and was placing a gentle kiss to the other side. _“Dear Dream - NCT DREAM”_ written in an unfamiliar handwriting at the bottom.

‘I thought you two were just friends?’

Jeongin shifted in his seat and looked away from the photo.

‘Yeah, we were.’

‘Did you love him?’

A moment of silence.

‘Yeah. I did.’

 

-

 

_‘Please! Just one photo then I’ll leave you alone!’ Felix practically begged Jeongin to take a photo of the two of them together._

_‘That sounds fake, you never leave me alone.’_

_The blond pouted and scootched closer the Jeongin and watched as he tried to resist an unbeatable charm. Puppy eyes._

_‘Fine but just one. You know I don’t like to be in photos.’ Jeongin relinquished and he pulled the camera out of his bag next to him. He turned it around to face the two of them and they both put on a matching set of bright smiles._

_As Jeongin was about to press the button he felt hands on his face and jaw. Before he could react a soft pair of lips were pressed against his cheek. His finger moved and the click of the shutter was heard and Felix moved away, still smiling._

 

-

 

Chan moved through the photos one by one until the box was all but empty. A final photo rested at the bottom and the sight of it made the roommates both hesitate. This photo was not taken on a Polaroid camera and both of the boys were in it. They were holding each other close and dancing together amongst everybody else doing similar things. The lights in the school hall were low and colored.

Jeongin froze.

 

-

 

_‘Dance with me?’ Jeongin said softly over the slow beat of the music. Felix reached out and intertwined their hands._

_‘I’d love to.’_

_The pair made their way to the centre of the floor and began to move together to the music. Jeongin rested his arms around Felix’s neck when he felt shy hands resting on his waist. ‘What song is this? I like it.’_

_‘It’s an Ed Sheeran song. I think it’s called “Photograph”.’_

_‘I like it.’_

 

-

 

Jeongin didn’t mean to get so upset but before he could leave the room a tear ran down his face.

‘Jeonginnie, are you alright?’ Chan asked and put the photo down. He quickly turned the younger boy around to face him properly and watched as he broke down into waves of loud sobs. He moved closer to carefully wrap his arms around the shaking body in front of him, whispering soothing words.

After some time, Jeongin speaks.

‘I could have stopped him, Chan. I could have stopped him and then he’d still be here but I was too selfish and now he’s dead.’ His wide shiny eyes stared up at Chan.

‘Do you want to go see him?’ Chan whispered.

Jeongin nodded.

 

***

 

Both boys made their way up the hill to where Felix was. They stopped at his headstone and stood in silence for a while.

Chan rested his hand on his friend’s shoulder briefly before stepping away.

‘I’ll leave you alone.’

 

Jeongin didn’t know where to start, he sat down on the grass and traced his eyes over the carvings of Felix name.

‘I’m sorry I haven’t been in so long. I guess I was afraid of something.’ He fiddled with a blade of grass for a moment.

‘I think about what could’ve happened if I had told you how I really felt that night. Would you have been angry, happy, disgusted?’

The wind howls in the distance, a warning of an oncoming storm. ‘Maybe if I had told you everything then you’d still be here. I know that that’s not how it works but, it would have been worth a shot.’

His words came out soft and he hastily rubbed his eyes, wiping away the tears that threatened to make an appearance. He stood from his place on the ground. ‘I’m sorry that I didn’t help enough.’

He made his way back down to the bottom of the hill where Chan was waiting.

‘All done?’

‘Yeah. I’m done. Let’s go home.’


End file.
